Therapy updates

     I met with a new therapist who will begin seeing Panda. She specializes in working with children and she uses EMDR. After reading our information (a five page document), she said this is one of the most challenging situations she has undertaken. Yikes, no wonder we are having a hard time.

     Panda has a recurring weekly appointment starting next week. At some point, Panda’s protective shell has to crack and let in a chance for more healing. I just don’t think it will happen without a neutral party involved. Too much garbage surrounds Panda’s relationship with me. The garbage stinks and hurts and it needs to be tossed out. Like any child, Panda deserves to be free of her demons.

     The silver lining is recognizing the many positive changes in the past two years. Panda's reading has improved. She likes books! During first grade, I feared she would never be good at, or even enjoy, reading. That year I despised helping Panda practice reading. She pinched or kicked me at each difficult word. And, when your eyes don’t track from left to right properly, there are many difficult words.

     Books have always calmed Panda’s dysregulation. During an especially bad time last week, Panda searched for a book to read. She – got – the – book – herself.  I had no part in the search, not even to suggest it. Panda was the one who knew what to do.

     She is reliably able to get herself ready for bed and ready for school. She monitors the foods the orthodontist has said not to eat and does not eat them. She is helping prepare meals and does a good job. She feeds the dogs and empties the trash from time to time.

     In the black cloud part of things, the chaos is non-changing or getting worse. Random violence & destruction of household items doesn’t happen much any longer, but the violence toward me continues. Poodaloo also gets a share of smacks and thumps. Baba usually only gets it when he's restraining her. (May have already mentioned the literature indicates mothers are usually the target in these situations.) 

     My tears don’t flow at the drop of a hat anymore (yay) and I mostly ignore the words (yay) and I try to circumvent injuries (yay). 

     But . . . I want it to S.T.O.P. . . . N.O.W. (yesterday even better). 

     This can be my chance to firm up my backbone and establish more boundaries (not punishment or consequences). 

     The trouble is a boundary line is nearly invisible to me. Boundaries have been difficult to establish all of my life. It has something to do with being the people pleasing child of an alcoholic.

      The past couple of weeks have been stressful. About ten days ago I reached my limit of tolerance. Who knows why it happened then and not another time. I am tired:

     • of being a punching bag for anything that is not to her liking

     • of unreasonable accusations and expectations

     • of watching her hit Poodaloo without warning and for no reasonable purpose*

* Honestly, I'd probably be okay with it if this was a 'regular' sibling fight with two kids willing to duke it out. This is not that kind of hitting. It's sneaky and usually without merit.

     I continue to see my therapist weekly. She is helpful and supportive. She reassures me. Circumstances are the responsible culprit, not me. I am trying to make things better, not causing the problems. When I fail to remember this, she tells me I am the mother of a special needs child and it is a difficult path. I must stay healthy, give myself (and others) grace, take time to do enjoyable things and spend non-kid time with my husband. He will be with me when the girls have flown the nest (even though Poodaloo maintains she will never move away from me).