June 10, 2011

A love-based paradigm

     It is impossible to help a child regulate when you are not calm and present in the moment. I have spent hundreds of hours reading about parenting traumatized children. This article describes the parenting paradigm we use. It's from the Beyond Consequences Institute.
     In my own words (so any errors are mine), a love-based paradigm places your focus on relationship with your child, not on the child's behavior. That means parents do not punish a child for dysregulated behaviors. It does not mean there are no boundaries and home is a free-for-all.
     Parents focus on understanding why the child is dysregulated (i.e. feels frightened). The parent helps the child by being physically and mentally present during the dysregulation. This is the first parenting strategy with which we've found success. There are other names for this approach and other therapists who encourage it. Daniel Hughes, Bryan Post, and Bruce Perry are a few examples. 
     Our family is still relatively new to this paradigm. It is hard to make the shift and I knew we needed help. I enrolled in an on-line parenting course offered by Heather Forbes with Beyond Consequences. Families from around the world participated. Technology literally brings students together live, via home computers. We did live role plays during class. It was incredibly concrete, useful, and inspiring.
     I didn't want it to end, so next up is a program called Dare to Love Yourself. This is also taught by Heather Forbes. It virtually meets once per month for a year. The goal is for mothers to care for themselves, as well as their families.
      Then came the Everyday is Mother's Day conference. It was so emotional I could barely pull myself out of bed after the third session. My body & mind were drained and felt wonderful at the same time.
     At this point, some might consider me addicted. It is definately a possibility.

2 comments:

  1. So for those of us following you - tell us why you are doing this, please.

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  2. It is not a simple answer. I'm working on a post explaining why I am doing it. Look for it to appear soon.

    ReplyDelete