Living Beyond Consequences means using two questions to guide parent-child interactions:
~ What is driving this behavior?
~ What can I do at this very moment to improve my relationship with her?
I think the biggest value of a parent coach is relating specific examples we encounter. After hearing what happened, the coach walks us through the event and talks about what we could have done differently at several points.
A recent example:
It was a hectic morning getting ready for school. I had been juggling my attention back and forth between both girls. It was time to leave and we couldn't find Pooda. I searched through the house and finally found her sitting on the patio. I went outside and asked “What’s the matter, sweetie?” Her reply, "You are a terrible mom because you don't have time to help your child who needs help. You only help your other child."
Oops . . . I guess Panda had been taking up a lot more of my attention than I had realized.
Gulp . . . Obviously Pooda needs me to take a few minutes and hold her.
But . . . Panda will go into hysterics if she thinks we’re late for the bus.
What should I do?
With a bad outcome either way, I decide to keep Panda calm, at the expense of not meeting Pooda’s immediate need. I carried Pooda (with shoes and backpack) out the front door. I locked the door behind us and said it was time to leave for school. Pooda said she wasn't coming. I
Panda and I started walking to the bus stop. Panda provides updates every ten seconds about whether Pooda was following us or not. We didn't see her following until nearly at the bus stop. She met up with her friend M. and M's dad and walked with them, chatting happily. Until she got about 50 feet from me. Then she stopped and her face changed to stink-eye.
I walked over to her and picked her up. Again, she began saying I'm an awful mom because I don't have time for helping my child who needs help.
On one hand, I have decided not to force Pooda to do something she is crying and begging against doing (unless it is for safety). Usually this happens at bed time or when we are rushing out the door to leave.
On the other hand, Panda will blow a gasket if Pooda misses the bus and I will have two completely dysregulated children on my hands.
At such a loss of knowing what to do, I continue with forcing Pooda onto the bus. I peeled her off me (twice) to get her on the bus. The bus driver helped me by shutting the door very quickly. I trudged back home feeling like pond scum for making Pooda get on the bus when she was so very upset.
How coach helped us:
A few days later, I relay this saga to my coach. She is amazed at Pooda's ability to verbalize her needs. We discuss how I could have honored this need rather than brushing it aside. We talk about what to do to make it okay for Panda, too.
The coach's advice helped me figure out the best thing was to have stayed home and let us all become regulated. We could have stayed home for a few extra minutes. That had been my first thought, but I quashed it. Traditional parenting wisdom is to make kids do the things they should do. It is difficult to curb this line of thought, even though BCLC is how I want to parent my children.
Coach suggested allowing Panda to do a fun activity while I spend time with Pooda. For example, she could watch TV, which they are not allowed to watch during the school week.
While Panda was watching TV, I could let Pooda share her feelings and help me understand what she needed from me. This wouldn’t take very long. Pooda regulates more quickly than Panda and her solutions are generally simple requests.
We would not have been very late to school - perhaps 15 or 20 minutes. In the big picture, reassuring Pooda that mommy will do everything she can to meet Pooda’s needs is more important. Being a few minutes late for school is small potatoes.
Post Script: I have been writing this post for a couple of weeks. This morning I had the opportunity to repeat the ‘don’t want to get on the bus’ scene. We all drove to the bus stop and Panda got onto the bus while Pooda stayed home with me for awhile.
Love it. Sometimes it is hard to remember that having a child to school right on time is not as important as taking care of their emotional needs. They won't miss out that much at school but being there for them can impact them for all time.
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard to remember. This week I have not done a good job of being there for Panda. Ugh. . . I get caught up in my morning agenda instead.
ReplyDelete