Panda struggles with reading and spelling because of the developmental sequences she missed as an infant. Improved reading is one of the benefits she has gained from the neurological reorganization exercises. Spelling will get there eventually.
I am happy she writes her feelings, even when I'm the recipient of the vitriol. It means Panda is gaining awareness of her feelings. She realizes hitting mommy is not an appropriate action. Her cognitive brain is able to tell the lizard brain to stop pushing the panic button. She can think rather than act impulsively.
Unconditional acceptance means any feeling is appropriate and should be accepted by the parent and child. However, not all actions from the feeling are okay. Panda is learning to guide her body into less-hurtful reactions. Writing down how much you hate someone is probably better than yelling and hitting the person.
Here are two recent examples of Panda's bergeoning skill.
The diet coke incident ~ In a rage, Panda swept a 12 pack of pop off the counter. The cardboard carton broke open. Dented cans spewed across the floor. One can popped open and fizzy soda splattered all over.
A key step in Beyond Consequences parenting is asking: What can I do at this very moment to improve my relationship with Panda.
I chose to focus on Panda and did not say anything about the pop cans. We went to another room and read a story. Panda calmed down. I did not say anything about the mess in the kitchen and went to do a chore elsewhere. After a bit, Panda came to me with some money. She said it was to pay for the can of diet coke she had broken. She had cleaned up the mess and put the other cans in the refrigerator. Major success!
Busting up cupboards ~ Our master bathroom has a large cupboard with shelves built into the doors. We keep frequently used things like bandaids and nail polish in the door. When I said no to painting toe nails one morning, Panda slammed the bathroom cupboard doors shut. This caused the slats holding nail polish bottles to fall off and the bottles to spill onto the inside. This made Panda even more furious. (Fortunately, none of the bottls broke.)
Again, I was (barely) able to focus on Panda's feelings, not her behavior. We calmly went into another room and did something to distract from what had happened. The nail polish and broken slats could wait until after Panda became regulated again.
This time, Panda got a hammer and tried to repair the broken slats. It was not easy for her. She also apologized to me for breaking the cupboard.
These are two of the first times Panda has been able to accept responsibility. It happened because I did not forced it. Panda had the time she needed to process her feelings. I improved our relationship instead of her behavior.
I force myself to remember the successes again and again. Together, Panda and I are making progress! It often feels we are not moving forward at all. But we ARE and I am very thankful.
Now for the not-so-good stuff, in case there is a mistaken idea I've become super mom. This weekend is a big bump in the road. I am an emotional train wreck and have cried over and over. Baba has to work most of the weekend and I'm at home with the girls. In retrospect, I see there weren't enough breaks for me in August. They started school last week! But one week is not enough time for me to regain my equilibrium after five weeks of nearly 24/7 time with Panda and Pooda.
They have gone to Aunt Shaw's house for tonight. There will be a scrapbook session for Panda, Pooda and J-Bear. Tomorrow afternoon there is a birthday party and then it will be school again.
I can do this. Yes. I can.
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