24 hours of childhood trauma

     Today I felt the urge to document the past 24 hours in my house. Panda has a three week track break from her school. Poodaloo will be off school starting tomorrow through the week of Thanksgiving. They are both going to a local gym for day camp tomorrow. Am I glad? You better believe it.

     Any change in regular routine is difficult for Panda (as with most kids who have experienced pre-verbal trauma). At school they have a set routine posted on the board. This is very comforting for Panda. I've tried doing the same at home. It does help her but I'm lousy at keeping it current. Posting the monthly school lunch menus in the kitchen is a stretch for me.

     During track break, multiple times each day she asks me 'what are we doing today?' If there is anything she especially likes on the agenda, it must be done NOW. She gets agitated with any delay. I attempt not to allow her to control when things happen but it is exhausting. We have been together for two weeks now, with another ten days to go. Twice a week she goes to the day camp so I get a break.

     Yesterday was a camp day with swimming at a local pool. When we arrived at the gym, Panda informed me she did not have her swim suit because I said I'd get it for her and I did not get it. Fortunately, there was time to return home and fetch the swimming suit before the campers departed.

     Poodaloo had not been feeling well and I let her stay home from school. She is a model sick kid and is perfectly happy watching TV. I worked in my sewing room and did laundry most of the day. I suspected Panda would not be happy to learn Poodaloo had stayed home with me. Boy, did I get that right. Panda complained about Poodaloo's sick day for (what seemed like) hours.

     Baba has worked late all this week. He gets home in time to see the girls briefly before they go to bed. This is another change of routine which has Panda on edge. As the girls got ready for bed, Panda realized one of the blankets was missing from her bed. (Both girls sleep on pads in our bedroom.) I said it was downstairs because I had used it to cover Poodaloo when she was cold.

     That was all it took to cause total dysregulation. She screamed and threw things around the bedroom. Baba ran upstairs to see what was going on. I asked him to bring up the purple blanket on the couch. He returned with the wrong blanket. Screaming and fit pitching again. Finally the purple blanket was upstairs for her but she could not calm down. Poodaloo was afraid to get into her bed (right beside Panda's bed). Baba offered to lay down between them. I read a couple chapters in a book, as usual. Reading has always been a resource we've used to help her regulate.

     The night was relatively quiet and both girls slept without waking. In the morning, Panda snuggled up to me for a few minutes. She then followed Baba about the house. Eventually, Poodaloo awoke. She crawled into bed with me. Then Panda came into the room and saw her with me. I scooted over so Panda could lay on my other side. Each of the girls tried to get more than half of my body space by inching out the other. This is not a relaxing thing so I quickly got out of bed.

     I went down stairs to make coffee and start breakfast for the girls. Poodaloo is not much for eating breakfast but she will always drink a cup of warm chocolate soy milk. I figure that is a pretty good dose of protein and don't worry too much if she doesn't eat anything more. Panda does not like to eat in the morning. She really NEEDS to eat a good serving of protein to stay regulated. I made sausage patties for them. There was a smidgen of hamburger in the refrigerator so I mixed it into the sausage meat before making the patties.

     When the sausage was cooked I called the girls to come eat. Panda wanted to know if the patties were sausage only. I explained about adding a tiny bit of hamburger. She would have nothing to do with eating because she 'hates hamburger'. It isn't possible to force her to eat so I asked her to please find some kind of protein she wanted to eat. (Yes, this is a common morning battle.) She likes to eat turkey pepperoni with cheese melted on it. She made herself a plate with a dozen or so pepperoni pieces on it.

     It was time to get in the car and take Poodaloo to school (we had not been ready to catch the bus because of the sausage fiasco). Panda carried her plate of pepperoni into the garage so she could finish eating in the car. Poodaloo followed behind her with her backpack. She accidently bumped Panda and it knocked the plate of pepperoni onto the floor. It shattered. Panda got hysterical. I remained calm though and asked her to please make herself more pepperoni. We walked back into the house together (I had to get the broom). Got it cleaned up and Panda came back into the garage, still muttering about Poodaloo bumping her on purpose so she would drop the plate.

     It is a few days after I wrote the previous part of this post. Surprisingly, not much has been said about the plate incident. I am certain it will be mentioned again at some point. Both girls have been home together for six days now. Today, the girls were really snipey and nasty to each other. I was tempted to leave home but couldn't think of anywhere to escape. 

    We had a plan to fetch J-Bear from her daycare and go to see a movie. I was not particularly in the mood for the outing, but staying home seemed a worse option. We went to the cheap theatre and saw 'Brave' because it had a family friendly rating stamp on the theatre website.

     Good grief - I cannot imagine the criteria for family friendly. It was very scary!! By the end, Poodaloo was in my lap crying, Panda was clinging to my arm and J-Bear was sitting on Panda's lap. Everything turned out hunky dory in the end so we gave it a 'so-so' rating. Then I delivered all three kids to my sister's house for the night. Yippee!!!!

Dare I write this?

     Panda has experienced an huge leap in emotional stability. Hardly any throwing things. She can often stop herself before she explodes in anger. This has been over the past several weeks. Her recent therapy sessions have focused on working through a book called, What to Do When You Grumble Too Much.

     We aren't sure if this book has wrought the change but the timing is right. Could be all the strategies we've worked on the past year are finally coming to fruition. Perhaps is it a result of her Baba resigning from his job and landing another job. He is so much more relaxed and engaged in family stuff without the stress from work.

     I suppose it doesn't actually matter. We are thankful for the changes, no matter the source! We love her so much!

Panda and her gigantic cabbage. All third graders in the school district receive a cabbage to grow over the summer.

Therapy updates

     I met with a new therapist who will begin seeing Panda. She specializes in working with children and she uses EMDR. After reading our information (a five page document), she said this is one of the most challenging situations she has undertaken. Yikes, no wonder we are having a hard time.

     Panda has a recurring weekly appointment starting next week. At some point, Panda’s protective shell has to crack and let in a chance for more healing. I just don’t think it will happen without a neutral party involved. Too much garbage surrounds Panda’s relationship with me. The garbage stinks and hurts and it needs to be tossed out. Like any child, Panda deserves to be free of her demons.

     The silver lining is recognizing the many positive changes in the past two years. Panda's reading has improved. She likes books! During first grade, I feared she would never be good at, or even enjoy, reading. That year I despised helping Panda practice reading. She pinched or kicked me at each difficult word. And, when your eyes don’t track from left to right properly, there are many difficult words.

     Books have always calmed Panda’s dysregulation. During an especially bad time last week, Panda searched for a book to read. She – got – the – book – herself.  I had no part in the search, not even to suggest it. Panda was the one who knew what to do.

     She is reliably able to get herself ready for bed and ready for school. She monitors the foods the orthodontist has said not to eat and does not eat them. She is helping prepare meals and does a good job. She feeds the dogs and empties the trash from time to time.

     In the black cloud part of things, the chaos is non-changing or getting worse. Random violence & destruction of household items doesn’t happen much any longer, but the violence toward me continues. Poodaloo also gets a share of smacks and thumps. Baba usually only gets it when he's restraining her. (May have already mentioned the literature indicates mothers are usually the target in these situations.) 

     My tears don’t flow at the drop of a hat anymore (yay) and I mostly ignore the words (yay) and I try to circumvent injuries (yay). 

     But . . . I want it to S.T.O.P. . . . N.O.W. (yesterday even better). 

     This can be my chance to firm up my backbone and establish more boundaries (not punishment or consequences). 

     The trouble is a boundary line is nearly invisible to me. Boundaries have been difficult to establish all of my life. It has something to do with being the people pleasing child of an alcoholic.

      The past couple of weeks have been stressful. About ten days ago I reached my limit of tolerance. Who knows why it happened then and not another time. I am tired:

     • of being a punching bag for anything that is not to her liking

     • of unreasonable accusations and expectations

     • of watching her hit Poodaloo without warning and for no reasonable purpose*

* Honestly, I'd probably be okay with it if this was a 'regular' sibling fight with two kids willing to duke it out. This is not that kind of hitting. It's sneaky and usually without merit.

     I continue to see my therapist weekly. She is helpful and supportive. She reassures me. Circumstances are the responsible culprit, not me. I am trying to make things better, not causing the problems. When I fail to remember this, she tells me I am the mother of a special needs child and it is a difficult path. I must stay healthy, give myself (and others) grace, take time to do enjoyable things and spend non-kid time with my husband. He will be with me when the girls have flown the nest (even though Poodaloo maintains she will never move away from me).

Panda learns about coherance

COHERENCE

1: the quality or state of cohering: a systematic or logical connection or consistency

2: integration of diverse elements, relationships, or values

Synonyms: balance, harmony, concinnity, consonance, consonancy, orchestration, proportion, symmetry, symphony, unity

Source:  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/coherence

     Last May, in an on-line Every Day is Mother's Day conference from the Beyond Consequences Institute, I learned about the the HeartMath Institute (IHM). In July, my therapist (CA) suggested I use a device from IHM to teach my body to let my heart be in charge. I was very intimidated by the little box and didn't give it much of a chance. After a few weeks, I gave it back and said 'no, thanks'. We continued to work with EMDR and I try to remember to breathe, breathe, breathe when my buttons were pushed, pounded, and strangled.

     A couple of weeks ago, Panda met with CA to learn how to use emWave2 handheld device.  Baba attended as the technical person since the little box has me buffaloed. The device measures the the level of coherence between heart waves and brain waves. Red is low, blue is medium and green is high. There are games kids can play to improve coherence. For example, you can fill the pot at the end of the rainbow with gold coins by staying in medium or high coherence.

    According to the emWave2, Panda is very good at controlling coherence - far better than I. She likes it very much that she's better. Today we returned for a follow-up visit. Tonight we had one of the best nights we've experienced in a couple weeks. Coincidence? I think not, but I don't keep a journal to document it so who knows for sure.

     It has been several weeks with the emWave2. She doesn't do it every night but remembers to use the wave most nights. Panda has returned to talk with CA a third time. They also did some bilateral therapy by clapping hands across from each other. EMDR is a bilateral therapy and CA uses it every time I meet with her. (Memories are moved to long term storage ~ where they belong ~ by way of repeatedly crossing the corpus callosum.) 

Another post worth reading

     Lest you think childhood trauma is not on my mind lately, check out this post from Jen Hatmaker. I stumbled onto it around 3:00a.m. this morning when I couldn't sleep.

Parenting coach

     Hiring a parenting coach has helped us live 'Beyond Consequences' each day. We use Skype to meet with the coach. Usually Baba comes home to attend the session, but sometimes he can't get away from the office.

     Living Beyond Consequences means using two questions to guide parent-child interactions:
    ~ What is driving this behavior?
    ~ What can I do at this very moment to improve my relationship with her?

     I think the biggest value of a parent coach is relating specific examples we encounter. After hearing what happened, the coach walks us through the event and talks about what we could have done differently at several points.

A recent example:
     It was a hectic morning getting ready for school. I had been juggling my attention back and forth between both girls. It was time to leave and we couldn't find Pooda. I searched through the house and finally found her sitting on the patio. I went outside and asked “What’s the matter, sweetie?” Her reply, "You are a terrible mom because you don't have time to help your child who needs help. You only help your other child."

     Oops . . . I guess Panda had been taking up a lot more of my attention than I had realized.
     Gulp . . .  Obviously Pooda needs me to take a few minutes and hold her.
     But . . . Panda will go into hysterics if she thinks we’re late for the bus.

     What should I do?

     With a bad outcome either way, I decide to keep Panda calm, at the expense of not meeting Pooda’s immediate need. I carried Pooda (with shoes and backpack) out the front door. I locked the door behind us and said it was time to leave for school. Pooda said she wasn't coming. I assumed hoped she would eventually follow us.

     Panda and I started walking to the bus stop. Panda provides updates every ten seconds about whether Pooda was following us or not. We didn't see her following until nearly at the bus stop. She met up with her friend M. and M's dad and walked with them, chatting happily. Until she got about 50 feet from me. Then she stopped and her face changed to stink-eye.

     I walked over to her and picked her up. Again, she began saying I'm an awful mom because I don't have time for helping my child who needs help.

     On one hand, I have decided not to force Pooda to do something she is crying and begging against doing (unless it is for safety). Usually this happens at bed time or when we are rushing out the door to leave.

     On the other hand,  Panda will blow a gasket if Pooda misses the bus and I will have two completely dysregulated children on my hands.

     At such a loss of knowing what to do, I continue with forcing Pooda onto the bus. I peeled her off me (twice) to get her on the bus. The bus driver helped me by shutting the door very quickly. I trudged back home feeling like pond scum for making Pooda get on the bus when she was so very upset.

How coach helped us:
     A few days later, I relay this saga to my coach. She is amazed at Pooda's ability to verbalize her needs. We discuss how I could have honored this need rather than brushing it aside. We talk about what to do to make it okay for Panda, too.

     The coach's advice helped me figure out the best thing was to have stayed home and let us all become regulated. We could have stayed home for a few extra minutes. That had been my first thought, but I quashed it. Traditional parenting wisdom is to make kids do the things they should do. It is difficult to curb this line of thought, even though BCLC is how I want to parent my children.

     Coach suggested allowing Panda to do a fun activity while I spend time with Pooda. For example, she could watch TV, which they are not allowed to watch during the school week.

     While Panda was watching TV, I could let Pooda share her feelings and help me understand what she needed from me. This wouldn’t take very long. Pooda regulates more quickly than Panda and her solutions are generally simple requests.

     We would not have been very late to school - perhaps 15 or 20 minutes. In the big picture, reassuring Pooda that mommy will do everything she can to meet Pooda’s needs is more important. Being a few minutes late for school is small potatoes.

Post Script:  I have been writing this post for a couple of weeks. This morning I had the opportunity to repeat the ‘don’t want to get on the bus’ scene. We all drove to the bus stop and Panda got onto the bus while Pooda stayed home with me for awhile.

Therapy and EMDR

There are two specific things I've done to change the dynamics in our home in the past few months. I've focused on myself more than Panda. Two strategies are weekly personal therapy and a parenting coach. The therapist and coach each know I have the other one helping me. They are 'on the same page' in terms of understanding adoption & childhood trauma.

The therapist facilitated an enormous change the first time I saw her. She helped me search for earlier times my body experienced the same feelings as when Panda raged.
Poof! It came to me that I'd experienced the same stress in high school when my mother was an active alcoholic. It felt exactly like after school and my thoughts would start wondering what I would find at home. Would my mom be passed out? Incoherant? Worse?

Awareness of this connection was life transforming for me. The memories no longer have such power over my body. Knowing what I feared took away its power. This is not to say I never cry anymore when Panda rages. I still cry occasionally. Most often I remain calm and focus on using the BCLC unconditional parenting strategies.

In subsequent sessions, she has used a technique called eye movement desensitization and reprogramming (acronym: EMDR). In short, the treatment uses bilateral body stimulation simultaneous with thinking of the trauma. Bilateral body stimulation forces the two halves of the brain to interact across the corpus callosum and store the memory in a less traumatic form. Read a brief summary about it here (or search using the acronym).

I read about EMDR quite awhile ago but didn't pursue information about local treatment options. In April, our neurological reorganization specialist suggested I read Walking Your Blues Away by Thom Hartmann. This short and easily read book is about the bilateral therapy of walking.

It felt like bilateral movement was making itself known to me at every corner. I started to look for someone who was trained in EMDR, adoption, and childhood trauma. I found such a person and am greatly happier as a result of seeing her. She is not the first therapist I've seen. However, she is the one who has facilitated the most powerful transformations for me.

I'll write about the parenting coach in another post.

Respite for everyone

     Lately, it has been difficult to find my silver lining. The rages happen three & four times a day. Emotional turmoil has completely overtaken my body. Panda is in turmoil, too. This is not a good combination.

My tears begin the moment Panda dysregulates.
     Things are knocked off counters ~ I cry.
     She hits Pooda ~ I cry.
     She hits me ~ I cry.

     Pooda soon now expects my tears the moment Panda gets upset. I want to get in the van and drive somewhere  ~ alone ~  and stay there a very long time. 

     Something has to change. All four of us need respite. I have never contemplated this before now although many families use respite on a regular basis.

     She would be terrified if we send her away.
     I do not want her to feel abandoned (again).
     I am scared, too.

     Support network to the rescue: Panda stayed with her best friend for three nights. Pooda went to my sister’s house for two nights. They both considered it a special treat and had a wonderful time. Mama & Baba had a wonderful time, too.

(I started this post last month . . . . ) This move was truly a miracle for us. I did not cry for weeks after the girls came home from respite. I cried for the first time yesterday. Tonight they are staying with Aunt Shaw again, so mama can have another respite.
    

Definition

dys·reg·u·la·tion

Pronunciation: dis-ˌreg-yə-ˈlā-shən 

Function: n  

Definition: ~ impairment of a physiological regulatory mechanism (as that governing metabolism, immune response, or organ function)

Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2007 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dysregulation

 

Scenes from a Wedding

     Here is another essay. This one catches my breath and pulls it from my body. My daughters' life experiences are described in this analogy. Panda and Pooda are strong, brave and lovable children. If only I could remove this from their pasts. I cannot. I can try to help them find a manageable place in their hearts for powerful feelings and life-altering experiences.